Coming Out of My Cage and I've Been Doin' Just Fine.

Hello Arachnids,

It’s been a little while since I’ve written a blog post. If you follow my blog, you’ll notice I didn’t put one out last month. I was extra busy and at the end of the day, I just wasn’t sure what to write. My second business is done for the season which means I’ll be allotting more time back to different aspects of this business. Truthfully, I’m still not too sure what to write, so I decided, on a whim and with great nervousness, to write the truth.

CW:// mild talk of body dysmorphia, mental health

My whole life I’ve felt like a fish out of water. I’ve struggled with my identity, and accepting myself for who I am. Recently, I’ve made a commitment to myself to be unapologetically me. It can be scary or difficult, but I’ve decided to stop apologizing for just being me. It’s been so healing to accept and love myself inwards, but I also need to commit to doing so outwardly as well. I didn’t get to ‘come out’ myself when I started dating my wife, it was done to me; but I have the opportunity and power in my hands to do it this time.
So, I have a confession to make, I’m non-binary.

What does being non-binary mean? Well, truthfully, its complicated and varies within the community. We know that gender in a spectrum and our understanding of gender and expression is changing all the time. Me identifying as non-binary is heavily spiritual, but not entirely. Currently, the way I see myself is neither female or male. I like to think of myself as resting in this in between. Gender purgatory if you will. I find it hard to describe because it’s something I’ve only recently allowed myself to explore, so I wish I could have a more concise description for you, but at the moment, this is the best I can do and that’s okay.

Expression is also a tricky subject. If you know me, I tend to present more feminine. I enjoy clothes and fashion items that are typically attributed to “women” but I’m also in the camp that clothes shouldn’t be gendered. That being said, sometimes, I feel as an afab person, I need to be androgynous to be considered non-binary. I’ve experienced mild dysphoria around my body in relation to gender, mainly my chest. I’m in a constant mental cycle of wanting it gone and wanting it there. I don’t owe society androgyne in order to be myself, but sometimes I desire to attain it. Wearing makeup, cute bright coloured clothes and presenting softly doesn’t take away from me being non-binary and accepting myself as non-binary has made a huge impact in allowing myself to dress in the ways I really want to. That being said, dressing in this way feels like a costume to me. I enjoy wearing costumes, I enjoy theatrical looks, but that’s all I see when I look back at photos of me, a costume. It doesn’t reflect how I feel about myself on the inside.  

Suppressing who you are can lead to depression, anxiety and insecurity. I’ve been self-conscious and physically insecure for as long as I can remember. I’ve never felt pretty enough, or girly enough or even boyish enough. I’ve felt lost and the longer I denied myself the ability to exist outside societal norms and pressures, the worse the empty anxious feelings would get. I’ve been chasing a lie by trying to fit into a societal mold and ignoring cries to myself for my own validation. Since making the commitment to myself to be authentic, I’ve already noticed a different in the way I treat myself. Sure, old patterns are hard to change but I love myself more now than I ever have and for me, that’s so important.

If you’re someone who struggles with identity and self-acceptance, learning to be and love yourself can be challenging, but coming out on the other side is so worth it. This isn’t to say that all or any struggles will go away but accepting yourself and being kind to yourself will make life’s challenges a little easier. You don’t owe society the ability to fit in a little box, but you do owe it to yourself to be your first cheerleader.

I am non-binary. My name is Saburn and my pronouns are she/they. I’ve confessed to you my secret, now let me clear about my boundaries. If you know my birth name, I’m asking you now to not use it. Permission for my birth name is only granted to very close/immediate family members. Another confession: I hate my birth name. Just seeing it makes me feel ill. I’ve felt this way since forever. I always questioned why I was named this way, and I never felt a connection to it. Saburn isn’t just a nickname for me. It may not make much sense, but Saburn is the embodiment of who I truly am-plainly it’s my name.

I’ve debated on keeping this private and only on certain corners of the internet where I’ve felt free enough to be me, but I don’t think that’s fair. It’s not fair to me to continue to hide myself away, and it’s not fair to the people around me that I don’t give them the chance to ever get to know who I am. At the end of the day, I am happy. This can be hard for some people to understand, and that’s okay. All I ask is to be treated with respect. If you don’t have permission to use my birth name, don’t use it. You don’t have to use they pronouns, but I prefer them, and it would mean a lot to me if they were used. I have no interest in debating or proving my identity, I don’t need to because I’ve already accepted myself.

Love yourself. Give yourself permission to be unapologetically you. I have and I think you should too.